Last sunday my gf and I broke up. We were together almost 9 months and we've broken up before but this time I don't really know how definate it was or if it really was for real or what. I don't really even know if I'd want her back if I could get her back considering the way she's been acting and treating me lately. I keep wanting to txt her or Email her or call her or something but I don't even know what to say. I've been waiting ever since then for her to call or txt but so far nothing, which isn't unusual even for an ordinary fight except she told me not to call, txt or Email her.

I've been miserable ever since. I keep going through these random fits of crying, and I keep waffling back and forth on whether or not I'll want her back or what I would say to her if we did get back in touch. I hate trying to live without her.

for those who don't know (I don't think any of you do), this was a long distance relationship with a girl named Roxxy, who lives in Texas. I was planning on meeting her in may and I was soo excited and happy when I was invited to her b-day party and I found out I could actually make it. I don't know what to do I'm soo mixed up and jumbled around now. I'm writing this to avoid txting her and sort of to avoid crying my eyes out again. I'm not asking for any advice or prayers or anything, just typing things out. I don't care that this is public and any responses would be appreciated.

I feel so stuck, I keep trying to find distractions or reasons to think my way out of this, but usually when I do that I just end up looking back at the way things used to be and how they started and it just makes things worse.

There is only one person I wouldn't want to find out about this and thats my dad. Sadly, I don't trust him all that much and if he did find out, even tho he'd think he's helping by trying to talk to me he'd most likely just make things worse. He tends to do that in situations like this even tho he doesn't seem to think he is.. Also, he's a terrible lier, when he lies its soo damn obvious that its annoying as hell.

I know I'm not really supposed to write things that are too personal and post them up on the internet like this but at the moment I really don't care.

So thats my little rant for the day. Thanks to anyone whose read it.

P.S. I just want to add that altho I still have pics of my ex up on here, I'll refuse to take them down for two reasons:

1) Whether I like admitting it or not this is the first time I"ve ever truely been in love with someone and most likely the last. I know for not their only going to remind me of the missing piece that I"ll never be able to get back but eventually I"ll be able to look back and remember how happy we both were before all this happened without crying or feeling so terrible.

2) They are art pieces and reflect on me in some way. Doesn't matter who they are pictures of, they are somehow significant, however personal. I might change the titles or descriptions but I don't think I should remove any one of them other than maybe the photoshopped pic of the two of us together.